DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
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“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*