I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
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Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
rapatouille
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?