Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
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“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset