Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
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Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
why am I working on Labor Day
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
I was bored.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Sing it!
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.