old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
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😅😅😅
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭