old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
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My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
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wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
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ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
🤣🤣💀
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The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.