You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
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If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
August 8
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES