Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
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Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy