Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
You Might Also Like
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?