Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
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Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.