If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
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My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I know
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here