Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
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[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows