83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
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This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.