Secret Panel HERE 🤘
You Might Also Like
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
some Old Testament wisdom
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Botany good plants lately?
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald