I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
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Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.