Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
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Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?