I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
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People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.