I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
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Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Strange
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
#MeanwhileInCanada
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
you will never know the true number of layers