Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
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museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”