Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
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People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Important
The Assassin.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.