Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
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My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I am patiently waiting for your email
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.