[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
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tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.