You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
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I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Oh my god
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
apparently this year was written by stephen king