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The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
screw you