if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
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Hilarious if literal: arms race
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.