I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
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[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
My boss called in sick of me
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
If you’re wondering how motherhood is going, I’m watching a TV show and someone is in traction with a full body cast and I sighed and said “That looks so relaxing”
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
All. The. Damn. Time.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.