constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
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Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.