POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
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Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
HOW DARE YOU
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.