If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
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Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.