There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
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It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Whisper out to librarians!
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.