Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
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My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas