I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
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For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Me trying to walk in a dream
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Greeting humans vs their dogs
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
I’m having an out of money experience.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*