“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
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If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Wait for it
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail