[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
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If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Pot warmers of the day.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.