You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
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My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows