*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
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Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Okey dokey.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what