HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
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meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.