getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
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Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
never compromise your values
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.