My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
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Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Sheep
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Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:![]()
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof