Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
You Might Also Like
not seeing the problem
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.