My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
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*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.