My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
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A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
What a kind woman! 😂😂
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.