Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
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Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”