Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
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BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Just a reminder, folks:
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
“What?”
– Jude
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.