DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
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Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument