what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
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You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on