What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
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Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Good news
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”