My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
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Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
he looks great for his age
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better