Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
wtf is an acronym
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
The opposite of Iceland is water water
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?