You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
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No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money