. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
You Might Also Like
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
LOL!
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them